A Human Smurf Hybrid Misadventure
by Nigel Yearning
Summary: A grass green smurf decides to go on adventure for two weeks after working himself near to death, it will be the greatest adventure of his lifetime despite being more miserable than any smurf in smurf history. Science, Metric, Survivalism, OC POV/ story.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else**

**Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters**

I stare at the ceiling inside inside of his mushroom home, thinking back the previous 6 months of my life. My name is Chernov, and I'm the village chemist and doctor, I am quite proud of my work and had been very liked among my fellow smurfs. Even though everyone knows the fact that I'm half smurf, half human.

Being a natural chemist, I often makes chemicals and drugs which the smurfs or me might need for one day, Ethanol made from the smurfberries is used as antiseptic and Morphine made from the opium plants growing nearby as an anesthetic. I also made many other drugs such as Ibuprofen for fever, common colds, sickness, and minor pains; Sildenafil for dilating the circulatory system; Smurfane, a smurf version of cocaine made from smurfberries, also for anesthetic; Smurfout, a pill which makes smurfs stronger; Smurftats, also a pill which makes smurfs smarter; and various other drugs.

With various drugs and chemicals that help treats the smurfs injuries, if they had any, there's a chance that they can be abused and result in an addiction. So I created a drug called, Fixer, a pill which blocks the dopamine chemicals in the brain produced by an addictive drug. However, it's only temporary and addictions are hard to kick. So it must be combined with a couple of other drugs and some ethanol in order to kick the habit.

Without warning, I would go into random smurfs homes once I confirmed that they are abusing my drugs. I drags them back to my house against their will and forced a chemical mixture made out of various substance down their throat to kick the addiction, and they always work. Then I spends some time with the smurfs cheering them up as they were very distraught from the experience. Once they were cheered up, I send them off after giving me their thanks.

It is a great job being a chemist and a doctor at the same time, I helped a lot of smurfs despite what goes wrong. However it is not enough for me, not to much happens around here in the Smurf Village these days.

I wanted to go out in an adventure. More specifically, I wanted to scout the entire area for whatever that's worth seeing. With that in mind, I got off of his couch and leave home where I head towards' Papa Smurf's house. The village leader hasn't been busy for awhile and was reading Quotations by Brainy Smurf when I walked in, Papa Smurf put the book down as he gets up from his stool. "What's wrong Chernov?" he asked, looking very concerned.

"My human genes is what," I told him, "They're telling me to go out and explore about a thousand kilometers of land surrounding the Smurf Village, and I can't deny them any longer."

Papa Smurf was surprised to hear that, I could tell by the look on his face. "You want to smurf what?"

"I want to explore the world," I said, "Not exactly the entire world, just for two weeks."

"The last smurf who done so was Dreamy," said Papa Smurf, "It didn't end so well, it's a dangerous world out there Chernov. I'm warning you."

"Old timer, I've been injured by Gargamel in the first few weeks of my life. I've blown my house up too many times to be counted, I've burned myself with acid, and I got shot by foreign creatures. I know what dangers lie outside of the Smurf Village because it's just as dangerous at home, you have no idea how stressed I am."

"All work and no play?"

"Smurf right. I'll bring back some information I've gathered during my trip, and I won't return without it. I'm going to leave tomorrow, enough said."

So I walked out of there and heads back home, leaving Papa Smurf dumbfounded but now less surprised. I am a workaholic, I never play. I'm not interested in games, just work. One time, I did everyone's jobs for a week since things got tough for the smurfs.

It didn't take long for word to spread about my quest, everyone knew that trying to talk me out of something is impossible as I always made up my mind. But they can see to it on what am I trying to accomplish, whatever I'm trying to work for.

I sealed up my windows by closing the aluminum shutters on the outside. Once they are close, nobody dare try to bother me. Well that sometimes doesn't work once Brainy shows up, knocking on my front door and pissing me off. I simply ignored him, I ignored everyone as I prepared my things in my bug out bag. Usual flash light, flint lighter, some food rations, a water pack, a water bottle, a journal and some writing utensils, a map, a compass, and that's pretty much about it.

I stared at myself in the mirror, looking at my grass green skin amidst the dim light of my electric lantern. I always wore a camouflaged smurf hat and a pair of camouflage smurf pants with thick sole army boots, I sometimes wore a jacket but it is summer and the temperature is often 38 degrees Celsius on a daily basis. So decided not to bring my jacket, I soon regretted that.

With my secondary weapon, a simple combat knife placed at my belt, I seemed to be ready to go. Staring at my skinny 4 centimeter tall frame is quite boring, not to mention my legs are straight. This is all due to my human genes, from my father. More on him later.

The thought on what I am going to do during my trip sounds simple enough, for the sake of knowledge. It seems to be a wise choice and I get time away from home, time away from the smurfs in particular. Enjoying the great outdoors and killing squirrels, for food of course. It must be an adventure of a lifetime, I shouldn't screw it up.

I had a map of the area around the smurf village, going about 10 to 20 kilometers. Seeing the distance between Gargamel's hovel and the Smurf Village, it's no wonder he never found us. That goes for other human settlements within the area as they are several kilometers apart, no where near the Smurf Village. I'm going to be venturing off into the wilderness, away from any form of civilization. Just the way I like it.

With everything all set and ready to go, I step out to say my goodbyes to the smurfs. One by one, they all try to convince me not to leave. I told them I'll be gone for two weeks, that does not seem to make things any better for them. Brainy took this personally, since he and me are close friends. I'm the only one who listens to him and he listens to me in return, he's going to be on his own for awhile.

Smurfette is in love with me, but I am not in love with her. So we simply hugged, "Be careful," she said.

"Remember not to get too cute on the smurfs when I'm gone," I advised her, "And please do not panic if I go missing, and don't cry if the smurfs managed to find my rotted bloated corpse."

"I won't Chernov," she said.

Moving on to other smurfs, like Handy and Hefty. They seemed to be less upset compared to the other smurfs, Dabbler however is the most emotional. Greedy wants to bake me a good luck cake, but I refused by saying I can't stomach it.

Just as I head back to my house, Papa Smurf rushed up to me and handed me a whistle. "If you blow in this whistle, you'll be immediately..."

"Transported back to the Smurf Village?" I asked.

"How'd you know?"

"I know everything Papa Smurf."

"Really?"

"3,453 x 653 = 2,254,809."

The look on Papa Smurf's face says it all, he's impressed. "Alright," he said, "You seem you can handle yourself."

"Can any smurfs handle themselves?" I asked.

"Course they do."

"I'll keep that in mind until Gargamel tracks me down, I have something for him if he ever tries to eat me. Thanks for the insurance policy."

With the whistle in hand, I turned back around and head back home. I didn't look back.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else**

**Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters**

I woke up around 3AM, it was still dark outside. It's just what I wanted, by the time the sun rises up from the horizon I'll be long gone. I put on my backpack and strapped it on, the left my home and locked the door behind me. The whole placed is sealed up tight, no way for any smurf to get in without my knowledge. I rushed deep into the woods, leaving the Smurf Village behind me. I didn't look back.

Wondering where to go, I used the stars to navigate myself through the woods. Heading for a point of interest on my map, Gargamel's hovel. If Bigmouth hadn't beaten me to it, then there should be still some food left in the pantry. Approaching his hovel gave me a thought about Azrael, the cat is sometimes a nocturnal creature. Of course, cat's are a great source of protein and I do eat meat.

Right now, I'm interested in bread. It's my most favorite, non-meat food. I love it so much that I grow wheat on occasion, so I could turn it into flour and make Hard Tack, a bread-like cracker. I'm sure Gargamel won't mind me taking some bread with me, it wouldn't be very much.

Breaking in was easy, getting around was a bit difficult. I put on some green-filter goggles which makes objects more distinguishable in the dark. Combined with my night vision, it made things easier to see in the dark.

The place was quiet, not a sound was being made. Using the cover of darkness, I rushed over to Gargamel's kitchen where I discovered bread on the table. A loaf of bread, split in half. With a grappling hook, I swung it onto the counter, make sure I got a positive hold onto something, and climbed up the rope. I rushed over to the bread and managed to skim off some bread with my combat knife. When I took a bite out of it, it tasted wonderful.

Grabbing small pieces, I managed to eat it until I'm satisfied. I get full very easily, small stomach. Once I finished breakfast, I soon skim off more pieces of bread and placed it in my backpack. I suddenly smelled something, I stopped what I'm doing and quickly put my backpack on. "Azrael," I muttered, "I know you're hear, I could smell you."

It didn't take long for the cat to jump out of nowhere and try to maul me in the darkness, I quickly punched the cat in the jaw just as it's barely on top of me. He went over my head and skidded off the table before I hear him flopping onto the floor, a groaning meow indicated that he's still alive. I simply grabbed the grappling hook and curled up the rope before I jumped off the table, I rolled as I hit the floor hard.

I quickly got back onto my feet and spurred towards the nearest exit, by now Azrael is back onto his feet and is now chasing me. I gotta think fast or become lunch to a pussy cat, and here's the result. I jumped up onto the edge of a nearby window and Azrael jumps after me, then I dived out of the way in the last minute. The cat literally crashed through the window, I ran as glass started flying everywhere.

"Maybe Gargamel shouldn't install glass windows in the first place Azrael," I taunt.

I jumped up on the window and saw Azrael brushing the glass off of him, I'm amazed that he wasn't hurt. The glass should have cut up his face and blind his eyes, I guess this cat has more than 9 lives it seems.

"Azrael," I heard Gargamel's voice coming from the next room say, "Azrael, what the hell is that?"

I immediately jumped down and ran off into the night, leaving the dazed Azrael at the mercy of his own master. After running about several kilometers through the forest, I slowed down and pant loudly. "Great," I said, "All that bread for nothing."

Simply to put, I burned off more calories than I gained from that incident. You do the math, it makes complete sense.

I sat up against the wall and sipped my water canteen, I tried my best to keep my heart rate down, it felt like it was going to explode right out of my chest. I sniffed the air and sighed, it was still night and I've exhausted myself from running. I ran when it wasn't necessary, it's panic of course. The thought of owls and bats swooping down to dine off my green flesh is frightening enough, so I managed to build a makeshift shelter out of twigs and dead leaves before crawling into the dead air space. I practically slept hard for the entire night.

When morning came, I woke up feeling well rested. I got out my journal from my backpack and wrote down what happened last night, after about a full page I closed it up and stashed it back into my inventory. I put my backpack back on and climbed out of my shelter, the birds were singing already so it must be 8 or 9 AM. I stood there and sucked in air through my nose, the air smelled fresh and it doesn't smell like my blue buddies.

I exhaled from my mouth and stood there for a second, then I broke camp. My first bet is that I need to be close to a water source. Since I knew the forest like the back of my hand, I head off to the direction of the nearby river. Interesting, the river is a bit dry today. It had shrunk to half it's size, and it looks very muddy. There's no telling on what kind of pathogens lie within the water, the last thing I need is Typhoid or Cholera to worry about.

"Something isn't right," I said to myself, "The water is moving too slowly for it to be natural, something must be blocking the water."

I went upstream to see what's what. 250 meters later and I've discovered the problem, human activity.

The whole river is dammed up with concrete blocks, a water wheel seems to be sitting on the side of the dam as several humans were working to complete the dam. I climbed up a tree and watched as they work, trying to build the dam. I examined the concrete dam, it appeared to be half a meter thick and it stretched from end to end of the river. Small holes on the bottom of the dam let some of the water out to avoid overflowing of the reservoir.

This isn't good, there is a species of fish that needs to past through the dam and the species is endangered. A quick math calculation and I come up with an conclusion that the species of cod fish would be extinct within the next year, I must do something. And I think I know how.

I reached into my backpack and pulled out a small vial of thermite, it's a mixture of iron oxide and aluminum and the stuff burns like crazy. But this only burns and not explode, I would need to blow up the dam but I don't seem to have the right equipment for the job. Then I noticed something nearby, flint-lock muskets that are sitting inside of a wagon. There was a barrel of black powder nearby and it had toppled over, spilling it's contents onto the ground.

It appears ignored, an idea hatched within my head. If I combined the explosive black power with the thermite, I thought, I would be able to crack the dam with the blast as the thermite melts right through into the concrete. This will further increase the damage caused by the explosion and the force of the water will take over, making the dam catastrophically fail.

I climbed down the tree and rushed towards the black powder, making sure that I'm not being seen. I used my camouflaged smurf hat to scoop up some black powder and I carried into the bushes, I soon added the thermite into the black powder and tied a string around the opening of my hat. However I need to buy myself some time, so I took off my backpack and left the explosive mixture there as I head out to cause a distraction.

There were several horses tied to a tree nearby, so I stuck my fingers into my mouth and made a loud whistle. The sound spooked the horses into panicking as they break their bonds and gallop away in a state of shock, the humans quickly drop their tools and ran after the horses. Once they are out of site, the dam was now unguarded. Time to make my move.

I rushed back towards the dam and jumped into the water, I dived to the center hole on where the water passes through the dam and I grabbed a hold of this big rock. I used all my strength to position it in front of the hole, then I used a lot of mud to seal up the cracks. I returned to the surface and rushed back to the bush where I grabbed my explosive mixture and rushed over to the dry side of the dam, I slid down the embankment and rushed into the hole where water normally pours through it.

The horizontal pipe is dry, I've successfully plugged the hole. I estimated the very center of the dam and placed the mixture there, I stuck a fuse into the explosive and lit it. I ran right out of that hole and rushed out of the riverbed. I grabbed my backpack and climbed up a tree and managed to pop myself a good view of the dam on when it blows, safe from all harm of course.

Just as the humans were returning with their horses, the homemade explosive charge detonated. The explosion wasn't much, it felt like a thud. Then I saw bright orange flare about 150 centimeters tall came shooting up from the dam like a geyser, amazing the humans awhile scaring them smurfless. It quickly extinguished itself just as it started, for about a couple of seconds. A half a second later, the hole dam exploded with a force that felt like my trinitrotoluene mishap.

Chunks of concrete shower the entire area like fireworks as the weight of the water pushes the broken up dam pieces aside, streaming downriver unimpeded by anything. The looks on the human's faces were priceless, they were just standing there like stick figures. I reached into my backpack and pulled out a new camouflaged smurf hat and put that on, the humans began to throw fits on each other as I got down from the tree and simply walked away.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else**

**Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters**

Throughout the next three days, I studied animal behavior and weather patterns, I wrote down everything that I saw, heard, smelled, and felt. It's been quite a good start, despite pissing off a few humans and a cat in the beginning. I knew better, this isn't going to last. I've been exhausting myself to many times to be counted, I haven't thought of resting at all. Which will soon cost me later; actually, it already has.

When I woke up from the 4th day, I felt my stomach growled. It was hurting pretty bad, probably because I have a lack of appetite. I've already eaten up all my bread rations and a search inside my backpack confirms that. I never knew what starvation was like, and now I'm paying the price for not knowing. I lay there inside my basic shelter clutching my aching gut, awhile thinking of various foods. Like meat.

Meat, my most favorite food of all. I love the taste of squirrels and small birds, the craving for it was so tempting that my mouth watered from the slight thought of it. I know what I must do, I'm going to have to kill someone in order to feed myself.

I climbed out of my shelter and collected my thoughts, remembering on what my diet is in the Smurf Village: small birds, a bit of squirrel, some fish, and a few fruits and vegetables grown in my garden. There's also a lot of wheat in my diet, no wonder all of my bread rations vanished on me. But I'm not a picky eater, I'm always trying new things.

A bird's nest came to mind, in fact there is one above me. It was a robin I believed, so I climbed up the tree to see whats in the nest. Inside the nest was seven sky blue eggs, the same color as the average smurf's skin. There were a lot of eggs, so I decided to pick up on.

The momma bird suddenly appeared out of nowhere and swoop down at me, I yelped as I dropped the egg back into the nest awhile loosing my balance. I fell about 4 meters straight into the ground, landing on my ass hard. I laid there groaning in pain, in other words I was loosing my mind. "This is a pain in the ass!" I screamed in frustration, "Literally."

I got back up to my feet after a few minutes of misery, I'm going absolutely nowhere on this one. I don't have my gun with me so I must make myself a bow and arrow, good thing I'm a very skilled marksman with all ranged weapons. A bit of string and some flexible branches and I crafted myself a bow. The string tension was good as I pulled it back, the bow didn't explode from the tension on me so it was well made.

I spent hours making arrows, just to gather flint and feathers mostly. I tested the bow out and practice a bit, the bow functioned well as it was designed to. Once I got used into the feeling of using the bow, I went looking for my next meal. Even though this isn't a highly advanced compound bow, this primitive bow will have to do.

After searching around for half an hour, I found a squirrel tending to it's home on top of a tree.. The squirrel had a couple of pups nearby, which is telling me that this will not be lunchtime for me.

The squirrel's ear's perk up and she pulled herself out of the entrance of her home, she turned and looked directly at me as her pups crawled right beside her. I held my ground, even though I was hungry I'm not going to kill a mother in front of her children. I rather eat my own mom than someone elses, if she still alive that is. More on her later.

Me and the squirrel eyeballed each other for about a minute, keeping a comfortable 10 meter distance from her. I simply turned around and walked away, without looking back. Once I walked a short distance, I moaned as I rubbed my stomach due to hunger pains. That's when I heard a twig snap.

I pulled up my bow and arrow and turned around to find the mother squirrel and her two pups right before me, I didn't bother saying anything because I knew that the squirrel won't understand humanoid language. I turned around and continued walking to wherever I'm going, probably I was drifting.

The squirrel family kept following me for about an hour. When I stopped hearing their scurrying footsteps, I turned around and discovered that they have vanished. But they are the least of my concerns as I spotted a smurfberry bush nearby.

It was a small bush, the red berries seem to be very tasty. I knew what they taste like, they are so sweet that they'll make you throw up. I'm actually very far from the Smurf Village at this point and I knew that no smurf has ever gone this far on foot from the village, I think I'm about 20 kilometers away at this point.

A bird probably crapped there after eating smurfberry seeds, which they are quite small. I simply picked a berry, just to try it. The berry tasted so sweet that I spat it out, I picked another one just to try again and sure enough I picked that bush clean from smurfberries. I swallowed the seeds whole, so I could "plant" them in the near future.

Of course that wasn't filling, it didn't take long for me to become hungry again. Then that's when I thought of the nearby river. Samon taste incredible, so I went to the nearby river that I can't seem to avoid.

Ironically it was the same river that I saved, and now I'm here to claim a reward from it. The river seems to be more healthier than I left it, it was filled with more water and it was flowing faster than before. I refilled my canteen and took a drink from the river, smurfs would dunk their heads into the river if they are really thirsty but I used my hands instead.

It was very human, well my behavior and manners is. Smurfs do act human but not in the way Papa Smurf expect, that fact should be obvious since we are humanoids. As for me, I'm more mature and more civilized. So after I got my drink, I saw a fish in the water swimming along with the current. I took an arrow and tied a string to it, then shot that arrow straight into the fish's side with my bow.

I pulled the fish out of the water, the arrow had pierced through it's heart so it was already dead. I put the bow around my torso as I put my backpack back on, that's when I heard the bushes shiver.

I dropped the fish and turned around quickly as a cat jumped out of the bushes, it was Azrael. Thinking Gargamel could be not that far behind, I quickly came up with a plan. Azrael had me pinned in against the river, there is no way to get away from this feline. Without getting wet that is.

With Azrael's mouth slightly open as he makes his sinister smile, he stepped closer towards me. His meowing almost sound like growling, I couldn't tell what it really sounds like but it's probably the sound that he makes before he goes in for the kill.

I held my ground as Azrael was 60 centimeters away from me, still I showed no fear as I just stood there staring at him. Azrael crotches down, getting ready to pounce. Gargamel soon came out of nowhere, his eyes meet mine as he noticed his cat before me. "It's you!" said Gargamel as he points a finger at me.

"Yes it's me," I said, "And your cat is doing a half-ass job on trying to kill me, he's taking too long."

Azrael growled as I turn my attention back to him, "Well what are you waiting for?" I taunted, "Finish me off already."

The cat pounced and I grabbed the sides of Azrael's neck mid and crouched down as I swung him over my head into the river, awhile sending myself into it. I was still hanging onto Azrael as I was dragged deep into the current, I held my breath as I felt the cat struggling with all of his might. I soon swam up to the surface and forced Azrael's head above the water, he spat water out as he meowed loudly in distress.

"Azrael!" cried Gargamel nearby, "Azrael hang on!"

"I'm hanging onto him," I barked, "Cat's can swim you idiot!"

It didn't take long before I felt myself shoot straight down by gravity, I looked down and gulped as I plummet down a waterfall. The cat was screaming like a child as I remained silent, I knew this was going to hurt a lot. I hugged Azrael and locked on tightly to brace for impact, the cat didn't bother to scratch me off of him as I was the least of his concerns at the moment. I think we fell about a half a kilometer before we plunged straight into the water, the momentum of gravity sank us a few meters deep into the river and the current kept us below the surface.

My mind was racing, I literally fought hard as I hanged onto the cat who has finally gone limp. I swam towards the surface and struggled to get ashore, I was loosing strength fast as the cold of the water zapped the energy right out of me. It was horrible, it seems like I'm going to drown to death. If that were to happen, then I wouldn't be telling you this story.

I had no hope left, but I don't need hope. I'm not giving up, I'm going to fight to the death no matter what happen. And sure enough, I managed to grab a hold of the river's edge and pulled myself out of the river with the last of my remaining strength. Then pulled Azrael's lifeless body with me, finally back on dry land. But my problems are far from over as the sun was about to set.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else**

**Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters**

The sun was going down and I'm soaking wet, and a cat that seems to be dead is with me. I did CPR on Azrael for about a few minutes, it didn't take long for the cat to cough out water and resumes his breathing. I dragged his sorry tail away from the river and into the woods where we managed to settle in a warm dry place.

I managed to start a small fire out of twigs and birch bark, meanwhile Azrael was regaining consciousness. I could tell as his eyes were fluttering open. "You shouldn't have pushed me that far Azrael," I grumbled, "And I was just about to have dinner, you knew how long has it been since I ate?"

The cat just looked at me with angry eyes as I returned the frustrated stare with a stare of my own, he simply lie there as he was too weak to move or to do anything. I know Azrael's history well, he put up a hell of a chase with various smurfs. Like Hefty as he had no luck fighting him and Dreamy who nearly got eaten by him, and those Smurflings, I don't wanna talk about what Azrael try to do to them.

I stared into the fire for the entire night, I hadn't managed to get some sleep. Not to mention it rained a little bit, which made me crawl underneath a bush. Azrael crawled underneath the bush with me, yet we kept our distance. As he managed to catch some sleep, I simply lie there thinking about my parents. Having a human father and a smurf mother seems odd, even more odd that my mom conceived me via artificial insemination. Even though her pregnancy went off well, she died from giving birth to me.

Interestingly enough I became a fully matured adult within 6 months, my human father raised me during that time. He stood 2 meters tall and he always wore camouflage, and he had these green eyes which matched my skin. He fed me this powder once a day, it was saturated in milk. It was a growth hormone, which resulted in my quick development from a child to a mature adult. Once I'm fully grown, my father literally filled me with a whole library's worth of knowledge that is still fresh to this day. Which is why I'm so smart, then he turn me loose after we both saved the smurf village from a catastrophic flood.

Recalling those days made me wonder why I turned out so grumpy and not happy, probably growing up without a mother is what made me socially crippled and mean spirited.

I spent the night soaking wet and smurfing miserable, I had little sleep and the dreams from that little sleep were full of optical illusions. When I woke up, I felt sick as I discovered I had a fever. Starving and sick, I'm in no condition to continue on the move. I simply wrote in my journal that is surprisingly dry after all that rain and wrote what happened on the 4th day, awhile the memory is still fresh. Then I wrote about my illness, describing how sick I feel.

I wasn't really concerned about my health, I don't fear death. What matters to me was that I was sleep deprived and I needed to sleep. Azrael owed me a favor since I saved his life, however I nearly caused his demise so I don't think it counts. The cat didn't want to eat me, probably because he don't want to catch the illness I caught.

"Azrael?" I called out to the cat, "Where are you?"

The cat approached me, still quite angry from my actions. I can tell by the look on his face, "I know," I said, "I'm pissed too and yes it's all my fault, I have to admit it's always my fault."

Azrael meowed at me, sounding annoyed. I grabbed onto his hide and hoisted myself onto his back, surprisingly he didn't shake me off. I took a deep breath and sighed, "Okay, now let's get out of here."

The cat was stubborn, but he seems to cooperate.

Azrael and I went several kilometers on foot as I laid face down on his back, I don't even weigh that much but I personally believed I now weigh less. I think I weigh 25 grams before I began this misadventure and now I feel like I weigh 15 grams. I'm really sick at this point and I don't have much strength to go out and hunt for food, let alone feed myself.

Relying on a cat who hates me more than anything is one thing, but on the run from it's owner is another. Gargamel will have no difficulty killing me, smash his foot right on my body and crush my lungs and back like a soda can. Breaking my bones like twigs, then pulverizing my flesh like dirt. It's a cruel world out there, and Mother Nature probably hates me for my existence.

I kept my mouth shut most of the day, making occasional groans to announce I'm still alive. I pretty much slept on Azrael's back for a few hours, we occasionally stop to take bathroom breaks. It was difficult getting off and back on, Azrael didn't bother to help me at all. "Planting" those smurfberry seeds wasn't that hard, but I discovered that my urine smelled like acetone.

As a chemist, I realized that I have Ketonuria. It's when my pancreas produces ketone bodies in response to starvation, acute illness, high stress, or type 1 diabetes. In my case, it's caused by starvation. Top that off with my infection with what's probably influenza, I'm not sure where I got it from. The irony is that I also practice medicine as much as chemistry as I told you earlier, so I knew my chances on survival at this moment is slim.

However I'm not worried, the only thing on my mind at the moment is food. And now I wanted to go back to the smurf village, but I have Azrael to deal with first. Luckily I have some medicine in my backpack. I took a homemade Ibuprofen and a homemade multivitamin, then I washed it down with water from my canteen.

It sure helped as my fever broke an hour later, but I still feel very weak and still need of assistance from Azrael. I was so hungry that I soon began to eat dirt, I would dig about 5 centimeters into the earth and eat about half a gram of dirt. Somehow, I felt a lot better after I ate some clay from the ground. It probably coated my intestines and absorb toxins from my digestive track, it's the benefit I get from being a gardener.

With geophagy buying me time, Azrael managed to get me about 5 kilometers in 3 hours before shaking me off his back. I yelped as I flop to the ground as a rag doll, then Azrael simply lie down and began to lick his fur. I moaned as I struggled to sit up, feeling aches and pain in my muscles. I felt dizzy and I simply slumped backwards with my arms spread out, clearly showing I am in distress. Which is asking to get eaten.

"Azrael," I mumbled, "Azrael?"

The cat ignored me, he just lie there as I watch him lick his fur. I keep muttering his name for about a minute until I was hit with a massive headache, indicating that my illness is getting worse. "Help," I muttered, "Azrael, please help me get out of here."

My thoughts became cloudy, I tried my best not to pass out. "Come on Azrael," I mumbled, "You'll miss me if I'm gone, we have a lot in common."

I finally caught Azrael's attention, he just looked at me with a bored expression as my eyes meet his. "Why can't we be friends?" I asked, "Just please get me help and be done with it."

Azrael got up and walked over to me, and since I was now too weak to climb back onto his back he picked me up with his mouth – which was not pleasant. Eventually, we continued our journey to... actually we were going around in circles. I had no clue we were going in circles until I saw the same odd shape rock 12 times, it looked like a really bad hexagon shape with a twig jabbed through it's center like a caramel apple on a stick.

By now, I didn't have the strength to move or to communicate. I looked at my arms and they appear pale, and I noticed these small red dots on my torso and shoulders. "Oh crap," I said to myself, "Typhoid fever, but I can only get that by... oh that is disgusting."

I theorized that I caught Typhoid from the river. There was probably a Typhoid outbreak going on in a city near that river, and they probably treat the river as a toilet. The disease is spreading rapidly through my system, as my immune system is too weak to fight it. If I was healthy, I would probably be immune to it. That's when it hit me, I just discovered my own weakness.

From that very moment I said I have Typhoid, Azrael drop me on the ground again. He growled at me, looking quite angry. His expression changes when I heard something shuffle in the bushes, Azrael ran off as I heard voices nearby. "Hey, who's this smurf?" I heard someone say.

"Are you sure that's a smurf?" asked another voice, "He looks a little too tall to be one."

"Dude, he looks sick. We should get him to a doctor."

I was too weak to call out and run away, then I suddenly blacked out. I couldn't remember what happened after that.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else**

**Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters**

When I woke up, I found myself in a bed. I knew I'm not back home, because my bed is more crude and it sure doesn't feel like it was made by smurfs. I opened my eyes and noticed that I'm in a human size cobblestone room, it was 5 meters long, 3 meters wide, and about 3 meters from floor to ceiling. I realized I'm on a table and sleeping on a human size pillow with a human size blanket covering me.

I wasn't scared, just exhausted. I'm in no shape to escape, nor did I want to. This is someone's generosity in the works so I must respect it, the sound of human footsteps echoing behind the door signaled. This human who appears to be in his mid-teens came into the room, followed by a short blonde boy who reminds me of my human aunt. "Oh," said the blonde boy, "He's finally awake Johan."

"Ok Pee-Wee," said Johan, "Go get him some water."

Pee-Wee ran out of the room to fetch a glass of water as Johan pulled up a chair and sat down on it, and for some reason I feel pissed. "Who are you?" he asked, "You look like a smurf, but your body characteristics is rather-"

"Human?" I added.

"Yes," said Johan, "Your legs are straight and you appear to be an apple taller than the average smurf, not to mention your skin is green and you where camouflage."

Pee-Wee came back into the room with a glass of water, he handed it to Johan and he tried to pour it into my mouth. I took tiny sips, just a couple. I blew bubbles to signal I'm done and Johan withdraw the glass, "What's your name?" he asked as he sat the glass cup on the table.

"Chernov," I told him, "Chernov Reznov."

"That's doesn't sound like a smurf name," he said, "Are you a smurf? What are you?"

"A hybrid," I said, "Half smurf, half human being."

"Well I'll be damned, I never knew what a human smurf hybrid looks like."

"How were you're born?" asked Pee-Wee.

"I can't tell you without confusing you," I said, "But what I can tell you is that my smurf mother died when she gave birth to me, and I was raised by my human father until I matured into an adult before he turned me loose into the world. But that was about months ago, and yes I do live in the smurf village."

"Then what are you doing so far from the Smurf Village?" asked Johan.

"Humans have a thirst for knowledge and an appetite for destruction," I explained, "I left the village temporary so I could satisfy my human desires, and so far I've contracted Typhoid from a river that I ironically saved from humans."

"I've been wondering what was wrong with you," said Johan, "You were out cold for 3 days, we thought you weren't going to make it. But I'm no doctor, we'll need to get you one."

"Don't bother," I said, "I practice chemistry and medicine, in other words I'm a chemist AND doctor."

"So what is it like to be the patient doctor?" asked Pee-Wee, with a teasing tone.

"It's not my first," I explained, "I have been injured several times in the past, from broken ribs to acid burns. I seen hell alright."

"Well anyway," said Johan, "Are you hungry?"

"It doesn't take a scientist to figure that out," I answered, "I really need something to eat right away, but I don't have the strength to feed myself."

"Don't worry Chernov," said Pee-Wee, "I'll help you."

"Judging by the looks of you, you're probably entertaining."

"He's the king's jester," said Johan, and then he whispers to me with his hand against Pee-Wee, "He's bad at jokes and songs."

"Hey!" snapped Pee-Wee.

It didn't take long to get settled in, I have another week to go before I returned back home. The food was pleasant when I tried it, although I had a hard time chewing. It seems embarrassing since Pee-Wee was feeding me awhile he blabbers away, on whatever he was talking about. I have to lie their and listen to him ramble, he just never shuts up. I didn't complain, I like to listen to a good story once in awhile. Besides, I always wanted to stay in bed all day.

Thanks to the food they fed me, I feel my strength returning. And so I managed to write in my journal, writing on how unlucky I am on exploring. I wrote about the Typhoid Illness I have and wrote down the symptoms I suffered, I basically kept record on all of my mishaps. I even wrote a letter back home, explaining to the smurf about my progress:

_Dear Smurfs,_

_Things are going well for me, I'm hungry, sick with Typhoid fever, and have been chased around by Azrael twice. This may not sound good, but the good thing about it is that I'm learning something. I also have been pissing off some humans in the past few days, like destroying a river dam they are trying to construct just to save a fish species. Boy that was some fireworks. _

_I hope my letter gets to you guys, don't try to write back since this letter has no return address. Oh and by the way, sorry for leaving in the middle of the night. You know me, I'm not that social._

_Sincerely,_

_Chernov Reznov_

_P.S. Dreamy. The next time you go on another adventure, make sure you sterilize the water from the rivers before drinking it. Typhoid fever sucks like ass._

_P.S.S. Brainy. If you are reading this, I just want to you to consider writing new Quotations books. By the time I get back, I'll help you with the next novel._

_P.S.S.S. Smurfette. Don't kiss me when I come back, I have Typhoid fever. Don't worry about it, I'm fine. Even though there's a high chance I won't make it._

_P.S.S.S.S. To All Smurfs. If I find out any of you smurfs break into my house awhile I'm gone, I'm going to duck tape you to a tree and skin you alive. No kidding._

_P.S.S.S.S.S. Papa Smurf. Make sure that no smurf breaks into my home and steals my homemade chems, I don't want to come back to a burned down Smurf Village with stoned smurfs everywhere._

I'm not sure the smurfs gets black humor very well, not sure if anyone gets it. I have Johan deliver the letter, because I don't trust Pee-Wee with mail deliveries these days. These humans took great care of me, even though I was alone for parts of the day. No matter, I slept hard as I was still weak from the Typhoid. Even though I felt better with some food in my belly, I still feel like sh#t in the brain.

And I just realized something, how do I go to the bathroom?

Pee-Wee provided a bucket for me, a small pale about 3 centimeters big. He had more of them next to me just in case I fill them up, then I warned him about the Typhoid fever I had and how can he get it. Interestingly enough, I scared him in a alternative where he would place a human size bucket on the side of the table and have me take a dump at the edge of the table. "Sure, and I fall down and injure myself in the process." I criticize.

So Pee-Wee drilled a hole about 2 centimeters wide, then placed the bucket underneath. He handed me some "toilet paper", simply sheets of used paper. I literally have to squat down to take a dump, which I don't mind as I do it all the time back home. A flaw to it is that it smells really, really bad once I took a dump. It really got on Johan's nerves as he has to take care of the waste almost every day, and I constantly warned him about the Typhoid.

On occasion, Johan continues to ask questions about me. Trying to squeeze every drop of information I have on my history out of me, only to confuse him in the process. I constantly told him that he couldn't understand the process, as my birth was the result of advance technology rather than magic.

"Come on, please tell me." insist Johan.

"You won't understand it," I keep telling him, "It's out of your league."

"Come on Chernov," said Pee-wee, "Please tell us."

"Would you guys just leave me alone?"

Johan eventually gave up, but Pee-wee kept edging me on. I was just about to rip my own hair off my head when Johan stepped in and told him to quit, they haven't ask me about my beginning since but they still ask me about my history. Luckily I was asleep for most of the days, so I wasn't bothered much. But when I was awake, that was a different story.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else**

**Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters**

4 days past, I have about 72 hours until I am due to return home. So far, I have been grounded by illness since Day 4. Now it's Day 11, I must continue my work somehow before that deadline arrives. All that I'm writing in my journal in the moment is Typhoid symptoms and human behavior, I need something more interesting than this.

That is going to be difficult however, as I'm stuck in bed. Interestingly enough, after being renourished by Johan and Pee-wee, my health improved to the point where I regained all of my strength. However, I still show symptoms of Typhoid fever.

I asked Johan about human civilization around here and what is it like, he gave me a story that seems to make sense to me. Kings, queens, nobles, and peasants, the economic system, the political system, modes of transportation, the magic and technology, behavior, and scientific knowledge. I wrote all of this down of course, then I asked Pee-wee the same questions I asked Johan.

He gave me a similar description, but it wasn't much. Either it's probably his age or he has other things to worry about than politics, then I asked him of like inside The King's castle. He gave me stories on how he entertained The King with his "glorious" music, then he sang me a song awhile playing his mandolin. His singing is so bad that I considered jumping up onto his shoulder and slice his carotid artery and jugular veins with my knife, I controlled my temper as he finally finished that 7 minute song.

"Well what do you think?" he asked me.

"Honestly, your off-key and your vocals are horrible." I told him, "Consider going back to music school."

"Spoken like a genius," said Pee-Wee, "I recall Brainy talking like that the last time I've seen him. When was that, a week ago?"

"Yes, I heard your singing before. My ear's felt like they were bleeding, but I realized that was ear wax."

"How come I haven't seen you in the Smurf Village?"

"You remember seeing a metal tube sticking out of a mushroom house, the one by the body of water?"

"Yes."

"That's my house, and I was in it the whole time as you made your performance."

"How did I do?"

"You tell me."

Pee-wee went silent and didn't say anything else, he almost look like he's about to cry.

"I'm not trying to be mean Pee-wee," I said, "But others may not be so forgiving."

"Yeah," he says, "I often been booed a lot."

"I need to ask you something, how did you and Johan find me in the middle of nowhere?"

Pee-wee explained that he and Johan were heading back home from a delivery quest, they found me after hearing cat noises in the bushes. "We tried looking for Azrael," said Pee-wee, "We just couldn't find him, but he's the least of our concerns. You were in pretty bad shape and you felt really warm, not to mention you were shivering. Once we got back home, we sat you here where you are now. We tried to cast some healing spells on you but you seemed to be immune to all forms of magic, all we can do was sit and wait. I'm glad it paid off."

After he finished explaining the story, Pee-wee left the room and I was left alone once again.

I lie there on the bed as I stare up at the ceiling, I waited until the sun went down and everyone went to bed. I wrote a note to Johan and Pee-wee, thanking them for taking care of me when I'm ill. I explained on him on where I'm going and signed it with my signature, then left the note on the table. My legs were eager on running again as I put my backpack back on, then I rushed over to the corner of the table and climbed down the table leg.

Once my feet is back on the floor, I rushed over to the window and climbed up the cobblestone wall. I realized I was on the highest point of a castle, this is going to be more difficult than I imagined. I got back down to the floor and rushed over to the door, the door and the floor has just about a centimeter and a half of space. My head is about 3 centimeters in diameter, which means there's no way I'm getting underneath that gap.

I tried to pull the door open using my strength, it wouldn't budge. It's like pulling nails out of wood with your bare hands, so I thought of another idea. I rushed back to the window and climbed up onto it's edge, looking down I estimated that I'm 153 meters from the ground. Brainy survived when he fell 60 meters one time, but he had spruce trees to break his fall. This was twice than that and there isn't anything to cousin my fall.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I would plummet to my death from this height, I wish I had my jet pack with me and yes I do have a jet pack. So I thought of something that's rather childish, a paper airplane.

I weigh about 25 grams so if I were to fly a paper airplane which is flimsy, I would just flop to the ground. I knew of the best paper airplane design I could think of and good thing there's a stack of blank papers nearby. I rushed over to the stack and grabbed a sheet, then I folded it into an airplane that looks like a UFO from outer space. It was very wide so it gives me more surface area and hopefully more air resistance. If I were to flop to the ground, I would be falling half than the expected speed.

I walked back to the window with the airplane in hand, then I opened the window. It wasn't windy, the air was calm. I put the airplane in front of me and took a deep breath, "This is going to hurt a lot," I said to myself before I jumped out of the window.

As I calculated, I'm falling about half the speed on which an object is supposed to fall. I managed to put some distance between me and The King's castle, but my main concern was where to land. I knew it's going to hurt a lot, and the chances of me dying is high. But hey, I'm a gambler.

I'm betting my life on this one as I frantically search for a landing spot, and I found it. It looks like a sun shade for an outdoor store, it had a tan color and it was about a square meter wide. I suppose I would land on it like a trampoline and the sun shade will catch me when I fall, I was wrong.

Just when I got over the sun shade, I jumped off of my paper airplane glider and onto the sun shade. The thing just repelled be back up into the air and I landed face first on the ground, I probably got fling outward because I was too high up. But I had no other choice, and it looks like my bet has been split even.

I got back up onto my feet and noticed blood dripping onto the cobblestone road, I realized my nose was bleeding. I pinched it and ran off into the night, trying my best not to leave a blood trail behind me.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else**

**Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters**

I spent the rest of the night sleeping in a fallen log, just right outside the castle. When morning arose, I crawled out of the log feeling miserable from the nosebleed. I was homesick, I wanted to go home. I don't know how was it easy for me to get my meals at home, I simply hunt for it. But why was it different? How come it isn't the same?

I realized that I was never away from home, I always do three things: garden, sleep, play around with chemistry, sleep, repeat the next day. That's all I do, of course I do go out and hunt for animals so I could feed myself. What Johan and Pee-wee fed me was incredibly good, but there wasn't much meat in it.

So I went to work on crafting myself a new bow since I don't know where the other one went, and went to work making some arrows. Once I have my bow and arrows crafted, I began my hunt for some meat.

Squirrels, badgers, and raccoons seems to be on the menu. I hope, or else I'm stuck eating mushrooms. Fungus are alright though, except they don't taste like plants. They taste soft on the outside but dense in the inside. I'm already tired of seeing mushrooms back home, I haven't understood why the smurfs would live in mushroom homes. Probably it's so that they could hide from predators as they think that the mushroom builds are just regular Amanita muscaria mushrooms.

There's a problem though, the kinds of mushrooms that the buildings represent don't grow in direct sunlight. And it doesn't take a genius to figure out that the large number of mushrooms grouping together isn't natural, it almost looked like a mushroom farm from the sky. And speaking of mushrooms, I just stumbled into some just right underneath a tree.

I stared at the mushrooms for a little bit, they were ordinary yellow-orange mushroom fungus that grows from spores activated by urine. Standing around 7 centimeters tall and takes up an impressive 8 centimeters of space, it's stem is about 1.3 centimeters thick – the same thickness as a human being's little finger. I put my bow down and studied the mushroom, hoping for something amazing.

After writing 3 paragraphs about it in my journal, I moved on and discovered a familiar looking mushroom just 3 meters away. A cluster mushrooms sits underneath a tree, they had this white appearance to them. The most massive ones are about 1-2 centimeters wide and about 6 centimeters tall, and they were everywhere. It's called Agaricus bisporus, the common mushroom.

It is an edible mushroom, I've been looking for this fungus like forever. So I just walked up to a random mushroom and grabbed its sides, then uprooted it from the ground. I cut open the mushroom with my knife and removed it's spore prints, and stashed it in my backpack respectfully. I wrote about the mushroom in my journal and carefully described it with better detail, all in the while I ate the mushroom raw.

And you know what I think about it? It had a neutral taste to it, meaning I should have cooked it.

At least it was filling, but of course I hate a fruit and vegetable diet due to the lack of nutrition they have.

Finding my way back home isn't a problem, getting there is a different story. I'm about 50 kilometers away from the smurf village and the rate I'm walking is going to take me weeks on getting there, what really surprised me the most is that my map hadn't been damaged by water from the river I "accidentally" fell into.

I have to admit, I need a faster way to get back home and I don't have much options. I knew that the Smurf Village borders a massive body of water, maybe riding a boat to the village would help. But I can't risk getting lost out in that big blue, so it's out completely.

Of course, the air is quite acceptable as I'm used to being airborne. Though Flying Smurf will probably kill me for flying, I'm pretty much going to risk that. But how in the world I'm going to get airborne without my jet pack? Have a bird do the flying for you of course.

Feathers, a stork, often helps transport the smurfs via air to locations to far to get by foot. Usually the walking distance is 20 kilometers and I'm far from that walking limit, don't know how I got this far anyway. Without Feathers to help me, I must find another bird that is a similar size to him, I'm beginning to wish I had a pet howlibird for some reason.

Then suddenly something caught my eye, an eagle. A female white-tailed eagle I believe, she rests on a branch about 20 meters off the ground. Being a small creature, she might identify me as prey. I hope she already ate, and I hope she's friendly. I climbed up the tall tree to get to her, she obviously spotted me as I can sense it. I looked up at her, sure enough she is watching me with those eagle eyes of hers.

She watched me for 5 minutes as I climbed up the tree to get to the branch she's sitting on, then I sat down on it. Me and the bird stared at the bird for about 20 minutes, without a muscle. I spotted something on her leg, a bracelet. The bracelet was yellow and it appeared to have a serial number on it, indicating that the bird had interacted with humans. Looking closer, I noticed she was born in captivity as I saw her birthday on there. So maybe she can understand humanoid language.

"Can you understand me?" I asked her, the bird was startled in response. Probably she is not used to hearing a half human voice coming from a half smurf mouth.

"I take that as a yes," I said, "Look here, I need some help from you."

The bird was obviously listening, and she seemed to take interest in me. For some reason, I attract all the females despite being sexually inactive. The eagle steps closer to me as I stood up, she crotches down and spread out her wings. Man, this seems to easy. "What name should I call you?" I asked myself when I got onto her back, "I know, Alpha. Yeah, that should work."

Alpha leaped into the air with tremendous force, her wings propel her straight up into the sky as I hang on tight to her. Oh I missed being into the skies, I never have real fun ever.

I steered Alpha and directed her towards the Smurf Village, using the sun as a reference point in the sky. We covered a lot of ground after an hour of flight, I did quick mental math and calculated I might arrive the smurf village in about 30 minutes instead of 30 hours. I must not get my hopes up though, because nothing goes according to plan these days.

It was just about when I discovered that I'm over Gargamel's hovel, me and Alpha was hit with a massive gust of wind and I was thrown off her back. It's when I plummeted 30 meters to the ground. "Oh no," I said sarcastically, "I'm going to die by splattering the ground with milligram chunks of my body, how great is that?"

Lucky me, I fell straight into a bucket of water. My right leg hits the rim of the bucket quite hard, making me give off a short scream which is literally drown out by water. "This sucks," I screamed, "OW!"

I soon realized that there's a sharp pain in the leg I landed on, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that my tibia is broken. I managed to climb out of the bucket and flop to the ground, I leg throbbed with pain. "AH! AH! AH!," my injury cause me to scream almost like a crow, "Ahhh!"

And just as it can't possibly get worse, I smell the body odor of a cat. That's when Azrael appeared out of nowhere, and boy was he still pissed from that river incident. "Great, there's a cat who's about to eat me as I lay injured on the ground," I said to myself, "Not as bad as I suspected."

My black humor has failed me as the front door of the hovel opened up, and Gargamel revealed himself.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else**

**Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters**

"My god," comment Gargamel, "First you disappear with my cat and now you showed up at my door step, literally."

"You're surprised?" I asked.

"No," said Gargamel, "But I know what to do with you."

Normally smurfs would try to get away, even when injured. But with a broken tibia, I'm not going anywhere. I held my ground as Gargamel swipes me off the ground rather roughly, hurting my leg. Despite sharp pains in my leg, I did not scream. I knew it was pointless. I did not even struggle when Gargamel took me inside, his hand squeezes my scrawny body quite tightly.

He dropped me in a cage, a small cage about 20 square centimeters in diameter. He just dropped me through the cage door through the ceiling and I landed on my smurf tail, which hurt quite badly.

"And what are you going to do to me?" I asked, "Eat me? Kill me? Turn me into gold?"

"Probably all three at the same time," said Gargamel, "I promise it would be quick."

Well that's reassuring, a quick death is bad enough but being turned into gold is worse. It's technically impossible to turn a smurf into gold no matter how much you try, you need to do nuclear physics and not chemistry as chemistry just rearrange elements around without creating or destroying them. Gargamel will obviously would not believe me if I told him this fact, but I think I knew of a way to get myself out of this situation.

"I have a question to ask you Gargamel," I said as I popped my broken tibia back into it's correct place, which made a sickly cracking sound, "Would you kill another human being?"

Gargamel was speechless, I'm not sure he's used to the death of his own kind but it sure looks like it. "What?" he asked as he gets out a large black pot and places it inside the lit fireplace.

"Would you kill another human being?" I asked again.

"Would I?" he asked as takes the pail of water I landed in earlier and fills the pot up with water, "Now why would I do that?"

"You see Gargamel," I said, "I'm not exactly fully smurf, I'm half smurf half human."

Gargamel just tosses the pail on the ground which nearly hit Azrael in the process and said, "Oh really?" he said, "And what proves that you are half human?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I asked, "I'm more taller, my legs are straight and not bent, my torso is more thinner and not pot bellied, and I have hair which is rare for male smurfs my age."

"You have a point about the hair there," said Gargamel, "Not many males have hair like yours."

"And the most major fact of all, I don't say smurf in my sentences."

"I noticed that."

"Of course I have to admit, I don't say it that often."

"You don't say it that often."

"Of course I don't."

"Well speaking of the Smurf's, where's their village?"

To be honest, I can't resist sharing information. But I don't seem to care about the smurfs anymore, so I spilled the beans on their location.

"They're about 7 kilometers away from your house," I explained, "Next to that big blue body of water, they rest within the deepest part of the forest."

"What's kilometers?" he asked.

Well what do you know, Gargamel doesn't know a thing or two about the metric system. This should get interesting.

"A form of measurement of long distances," I explained, "You even know what the Metric System is?"

"No," he said, "What measurement system is it? Is it used by the smurfs?"

"No, it's used by the human race all over the world." I explained, "Do you even know what a decimal means?"

Gargamel shook his head.

"I do know what a decimal means."

"Well what is it?"

"Its a period between two numbers."

"Exactly, and the metric system is easily converted into another measurement via moving that decimal point either to the right or to the left. For example, to convert 7 kilometers into meters you simply move the decimal point three times to the right. Which that would be 7,000 meters as a result."

"How come I haven't heard of this metric system?" he asked.

"Well it was invented by the french," I explained, "And it's mostly used by scientist."

Gargamel was obviously dumbfounded at the metric system, he had no clue on where to begin. Right at that moment, we heard scratching on the front door. He walks over to the front door and opens it, and Alpha came charging through like a mad man. The wizard shot down to the floor as Alpha tries to claw his face awhile mid-air, Azrael simply ran out of the home in utter shock, he knew he could not take on an eagle.

"Goddammit!" screamed Gargamel as he ran out of the house, "Damn I hate birds!"

I'm now alone, like I always been. I have to come to terms that my chance of survival is slim due to the fact that my leg is broken, but I'm not giving up as I'm fighting this to the end. Home is just 7 kilometers away, I just have to get my ass over there and I'll be fine.

All without help from anyone or anything, which will prove to be one of the biggest challenges in my life.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else**

**Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters**

My first problem in getting back home was to get out of this hamster cage. Standing on my good leg, I managed to open the ceiling door and lift myself up onto the top of it. Once I'm free, I have to figure out on a way to get down, it's about a meter and there isn't anything to break my fall. I guess I'll have to climb down.

Dragging myself to the edge of the table was a burden, I climbed down the table leg by carefully sliding down on it. Once my rear touched the floor, I crawled out of Gargamel's hovel and out the open door. Once I'm out of the hovel, I quickly dragged myself into the cover of the forest. I'm a helpless little animal that's on the verge on being someone's lunch, either animal... or human.

I'm not scared, my main concern at the moment was the pain in my leg as the broken tibia mispositioned itself again. I must find a way to bandage my leg, a splint will work just fine. Since I'm a doctor, I can do it better than the smurfs can. Before I did anything, I grabbed my broken leg straightened it again. It made a sickly cracking sound as it hurts more than I expected.

I grabbed a couple of strong twigs that's half as long as my broken leg and managed to place them between it, then used some gauze from my First Aid Kit to tie them together. After making sure it's secure, I made myself an underarm crutch. After about 5 minutes, I managed to make a crutch out of twigs as the frame and some leaves for the padding.

It was slightly longer than expected so I have to time myself to avoid walking on my bad leg. Of course I could make another crutch but I just don't have that kind of time. The sun was going down, it starting to touch the horizon. I'm planning not to spend another night in the woods, I wanted to be in my cozy bed as soon as possible. But doing the math, I calculated that it would take me 6 hours to get back home where an uninjured smurf about 3.

"This sucks," I muttered to myself, "Guess I'll be walking in the dark then."

It was difficult to walk, my broken leg had slowed me down enough that I just walked 100 meters when the sun went down. I didn't bother to build a shelter, I just crawled underneath a bush and simply slept there for the night.

When the sun came up, I was exhausted and I had a massive headache. I felt cold, really cold. I was shivering and sweating, I felt my own forehead and discovered it's hot to the touch. The Typhoid Fever is back, but not as strong as it used to be. My strength was once again being zapped from my body, probably I hadn't ate anything in since yesterday. Now I'm starting to feel the pressure, and I'm feeling myself breaking down.

I walked all day, just taking short 10 minute breaks every hour. I managed to cover about 3 kilometers when noon came by, due to my slow pace thanks to the injury. About a couple hours later, I walked a kilometer. By 3PM, just 500 meters. Doing the math, I walked about 4.6 kilometers. By that time, muscle cramps threaten to cripple the other leg. I was getting dehydrated, I'm all out of water from my canteen.

After getting another 400 meters, I collapsed onto the ground due to exhaustion. "Just two kilometers to go," I mumbled to myself, "Get off your ass Chernov, this ain't over yet."

I pretty much continued my direction of travel, I could feel that I'm close. Getting to a Smurf Village is hard enough but walking there is difficult, after walking another few meters I can't walk anymore. I simply set back on a log to rest, I simply couldn't do this anymore. Suddenly, a bird came dropping out of the sky. It was Alpha, and she appears worried.

"Don't worry Alpha," I told her, "It's pretty much all in a days work."

She didn't get the joke, but I sat up and managed to walk towards her. I used my crutch to hoist myself onto her back, once secure I simply said, "Go gently now."

The eagle took to the skies once more, I just close my eyes and wait as I hang on for dear life. When I hear her screech, I opened my eyes and look down. I saw the familiar mushroom building below, "Alpha!" I cried, "We're here!"

She dove down as I hang on to her feathers with both hands, when she landed I got off her back and collapsed to the ground. "Thank you Alpha," I said, "I owe you one."

The eagle simply took to the skies and flew away, making her eagle squeal in the process. I just laid there as fellow smurfs came running out of nowhere, the look on their faces says it all. Shock.

"Holy Smurf," said a smurf, "Smurf the alarm! Someone get Papa Smurf!"

Papa Smurf came running along and rushed to my aid with Hefty and Handy behind him, "Oh smurf," he said, "This is bad, he's in the worse smurf in his life."

By the time he got there, about a crowd of smurfs gathered around me. The look on Smurfette's face tells me that she's more shocked than the others. "Man I'm glad to see you all," I said, giving off a weak smile, "You have no idea how much crap I been in, you got my letter?"

"In fact we did," said Papa Smurf, "Too many Pses and your death humor seems to be too ridiculous. But my smurf Chernov, you're worse than we could have imagined."

Vanity held up his mirror for me to see my reflection as I stood up balancing on my crutch, I looked thinner, have red spots all over my chest and neck, my green skin seems yellow-green rather than grass green. Not to mention I'm covered with blood from my nosebleed, I just looked at the smurfs who were still shocked and said. "Starved, sick with Typhoid, and a broken leg, not much of a problem here."

I soon collapsed, Hefty and Handy rushed to me and picked up my arms and legs. I yelped as Hefty stupidly try to pick up my broken leg, "Hefty!" snapped Papa Smurf.

"Sorry," he said.

"Ok, get Chernov back to his home." he said, "We'll see what we could do for him there."

The smurfs carried me back to my house, just seeing it is heartwarming. The ridiculously tall smokestack hadn't belched out smoke in two weeks, I wonder if the smurfs missed it.

I managed to unlock the door before they carried me inside, the house was dark and steaming hot as it was 32 degrees Celcius. They sat me on the couch and I asked Handy to press a button near the door. When he pressed it, the shutters slide upwards and sunlight shined brightly into the room. "Papa Smurf," I said, "I need to have a word with you. Alone."

Handy and Hefty left the mushroom house and shut the door behind him, Papa Smurf pulls up the nearby stool and sat in it. "So what do you have for me Chernov?"

"There's this river that was nearly damed up by the humans," I explained, "I went in and blown up the dam, but I got into a struggle with Gargamel and his cat next to the very same river a few days later. I pulled Azrael into the river with me and fell about 150 meters, and caught Typhoid as a result. I'm just telling you this because a Typhoid infection might wipe out the smurfs, and I still have it as you can see."

"Chernov," said Papa Smurf, "Get yourself cleaned up and I'll see what I could do for you, then explain the rest of your misadventure later."

With that, Papa Smurf got up and left my home. Once he shut the door behind him, I hobbled to the bathroom and strip myself from clothes before taking a shower. The water was hot, thanks to the solar heater. Once I dried myself, I put on the proper splints on my leg and grabbed a aluminum crutch. I simply walked into my small bedroom and simply lie back on my bed, I missed it so much.

I took off my backpack and wrote some important information in it before falling asleep, with the thought that my ordeal is over. However, I'm not done yet.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else**

**Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters**

I have never been so relieved in my entire life from this point on, despite being sick for another two weeks. Awhile I was sick with Typhoid, the fellow smurfs cooked my meals as I spend my time doing editing work on my journal. It is to be published into a book for the smurfs to read, they'll probably learn a lot about me that way. As I lie in bed, I received word that I scared the crap out of Johan and Peewit for making a getaway from their castle.

I wrote a letter to them explaining I'm alright and theirs no need to be worried, I'm yet to hear back from them.

My leg seemed to be healing well, the smurfs asked how I broke it and told them I fell 50 meters and landed in a pail of water. "I hit the rim of the bucket with my leg and broke my tibia," I explained, "And Gargamel was right there to see it."

You've should have seen the look on the smurfs faces, they were still having trouble with understanding the metric system.

Smurfette delivers my meals, she's always such a nice smurf. It was mostly grains, especially bread. During the following two weeks, my health improved just enough for me to recover from my Typhoid infection. Once I'm able to take care of myself again, I finally published my journal.

The first one who was able to get a copy happens to be Brainy, which is not surprising. Good thing I've written a lot in the journal, because he's glued to the book more than his Quotation's books. Just before he was able to criticize my book, more smurfs managed to get a copy. When they read it, they were not so surprised when I wrote that I missed them. What they were surprised was the agony I went through, such as what really caused my nosebleed.

Luckily the smurfs were nice, except Grouchy from whom I heard him say, "I hate knowledge." Damn that catch phrase.

Well anyway, things were slowly returning back to normal. Of course, it would take months for my leg to heal back up. By then, I'm going to have trouble walking. But for Gargamel, things are different. I heard that Alpha had chased him off a cliff and the wizard happened to have fallen into a lake below, he fell about 20 meters and survived. I guess that was a little too much, especially when I discovered Azrael was missing for three days.

They managed to find the cat, stuck up in a tree...

Speaking of they, I mean the humans. The ones that were building the dam I happened to destroyed hadn't rebuilt the dam, they moved their operations elsewhere. Since they haven't even heard of the smurfs, I'm sure that they will have trouble figuring out what happened back there in the near future.

I know what you're telling me after what happened, "Chernov, would you go through that chaos all over again?"

Um... yes, I would.

Just don't tell the smurfs that, they had enough from hearing someone suffer for one day.

**THE END!**


End file.
